I did think of it.

For the first time in a long time, I thought to drink.

I thought of having a drink twice in 7 days. That is uncharted territory for me in sobriety.

I have certainly had instances where I thought it would be nice to have a drink. These weren’t tied to negative or tough emotions, those were times that a drink would enhance the fun.

This was different. This was life throwing me Zito-esque curve balls (Hey B) and testing me. This was both business and family struggles. And each time it ended with me looking at a drink as a way to cope.  Old habits die hard.

Then the miracle happened. I did not pick up. The work on myself over the past couple years has paid off yet again. Sometimes I lose track of the fact that every day an addict does not pick up his or her drug/drink of choice is a miracle. The ones that find the other side of the shit are not the rule, they are the exception. I am very quick to point this out about others, and forget to recognize it in myself.  

I definitely find humor in the fact that my last blog touched on the fact that for the first time in sobriety I did not think of having a drink at a party, and now I’m writing about wanting to drink twice in a week.

Life man, it’s a bitch sometimes. Normally, I find comfort in being humbled by life, this time I did not appreciate it. Or at least at the time I did not. But I appreciate it now. Because I know I am stronger because of this test. I passed. Even if it wasn’t pretty, I passed. C’s get degrees.

I had to let my wife know that I wish I could turn my mind off and that for the first time in a long time, I did not want to be myself.

That sentence will likely be the most relatable part of this little journal entry. We all have periods of time where we wish we could turn it off. What I find important is the amount of time it takes us to bounce back to center. We aren’t perfect and our emotions will sway back and forth. High and low. The yin and the yang of our inner self. 

It’s natural, but find comfort in the work you’ve done. Go back to the foundational principles that keep you level. For me, it was reminding myself that I am a good person and that I can not control other people’s actions. 

All I can control is how I react to them, and how I move forward. Do the next right thing. 

The next right thing was to acknowledge what was going on, and fight the reaction that is still wired in me. And thanks to the ongoing miracle in my life, I was able to do the right thing.

Thank you for being here.

Talk to you next week.

- Mathias John