coulda. shoulda. woulda.

How often does one think I could’ve done that, or I would’ve done this, or I should’ve done that….

Pretty Damn Often.

With this week’s Journal 3 release, AB points out that I have the tendency to “should all over myself” - when first reading that, I knew that our writing styles would compliment each other quite nicely.

It did also come with a realization. My early journals truly set the stage for thinking I need to do better and could do more. From friends and family relationships, to work, to ultimately giving up alcohol, the thought that I am enough does not cross my mind. Being driven and wanting to be a successful person in all areas of life is one thing. Hiding behind the drive while secretly not giving yourself the grace to accept yourself as enough is another.

That kind of sucks to write. It stings a bit. I do believe that I am a good person, however I also know deeply that if someone were to tell me I was enough right now, I would not agree with them. 

Why? Most likely the shame that comes with addiction. Some work through it quicker than others, and I will not be in the advanced learning track for this one. I’m getting held back a grade or 10. I used to think not drinking would be the hardest part of overcoming alcoholism. I was wrong. The work it takes to be confident in myself for the rest of my days takes that prize. 

As Jason Isbell writes in his song It Gets Easier, off of Reunions, “it gets easier but it never gets easy” - it’s been said in the rooms, it’s been said by the countless others before me, and it’ll be said by the countless others after.  

When trying to navigate self worth and confidence, I started writing “epithets for self” each morning. This is borrowed from Marcus Aurelius (my favorite Stoic) and mine were the following:

Upright. Kind. Honest. Straightforward. Honest. Patient. Reasonable.

These are the things I strive to be daily. 

Check out Journal 3! Next week comes Journal 4, and the following is one of my favorite chapters called “Drinking Check-In” where I address the lies I was telling myself while writing the book. That’ll be really fun to share!

Enjoy and talk to you next week.

- Mathias John