Friendly breakthrough

I met up with a friend that I haven’t seen in years the other day…meaning I haven't seen her since I’ve been sober. So it’s been a while, and it was great catching up. It stirred up some thoughts and emotions for me. These thoughts and emotions led to a beautiful take away as I drove home. 

My friends and family truly care about me. On the whole, one could say I’m a loved individual.

That seems ridiculously obvious to most, however I don’t allow myself to see that kind of expression and care towards me. But she made it clear. When we met up, it was one of those hugs that you step away from knowing the other person really cares.  It wasn’t a light shoulder tap, it was meaningful. If you are a hugger, you know exactly what I mean. I was a few seconds away from needing a tissue.

When she introduced me to coworkers, she lead with the fact that I wrote a book. It took me by surprise as sometimes I forget that I self-published last year. This was incredible to me, she was proud of my story - both literally and figuratively.

It was also a little humorous as one of her colleagues mentioned Matthew Perry’s book and how depressing that was…well NYTFG may not be for them, but we know it's not for everyone :)

When I got back in my car to head home, it hit me that even if I haven’t seen someone in a while, they can still be supporting me from a distance. And while I do the same for them without question or hesitation, it never occurs to me that it's a two-lane street with those who truly care.

The beautiful moment of thought continued “If my friend I haven’t seen in years cares as much as she does, then I don’t think I’m fully grasping how my wife cares for me.”

Those tears that I almost had earlier I couldn’t hold off anymore.  You know, sometimes I wish my mind would take some time off ha!

It was an overwhelming realization thinking about my wife loving me with the depth and fortitude she does. It’s hard to put into words, which is saying something coming from an author. It was as if in a brief moment, all the love and support my better half has given me broke through. I know it’s happened many times before, however this one I’ll remember as a true breakthrough.

It’s been a year on multiple levels and I’ve been relentlessly unkind to myself. Ever have a therapist taken aback and shocked by all the untrue things you beat yourself up about? I’ve checked that box twice. I’m not sure if I should be proud or ashamed of that! I’ve hit some new emotional bottoms and I’ve trudged through them best I can, unfortunately for my partner, without an ounce of grace. Luckily, I’ve been pulled from the mud and am realizing, “Mathias, you aren’t that bad buddy.”

I’ll probably never see what my wife sees, or even what my friend sees for that matter. However I can work to receive their words, actions and compassion. That’s something I can work on. That’s on me.

And since I highly doubt I’m the only one that struggles with receiving love, I hope that you can see what others see in you. If you can’t see it, just be open to their kindness…because when it breaks through, it’s a beautiful thing.

Thank you for being here.

Talk to you soon.

- Mathias John