i graduated therapy today
well maybe that’s bending the truth…
This is something I wrote in April and was holding onto for some reason. But it’s the last blog of the year and it seems relevant as I try to force myself to slow down for the next few weeks…so enjoy Mathias’s thoughts from the spring!
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Good news! I graduated therapy today! The address for cards and gifts is at the bottom of the page.
Ok, so maybe I exaggerated a bit. I didn’t graduate. However, Ashley and I had our last session as patient/client. As she transitions to building a practice with a more intensive focus, it was time.
We ended STRONG. Had a breakthrough, as they call it in the therapy world. And its worth sharing giving the subject matter.
Shame is a big player in my story. It drove me to drink and then fueled the cycle of continuing to drink. I drank to ignore the fact that I am addicted to alcohol. I drank to avoid accepting the fact that I am an addict. So when the booze was removed, the addict is out in the sun and it's something I wrestle with every day. I am not unique in that struggle.
I had a little breakdown the other day. I was driving to the pool for a swim session and I broke down in the car. Whats a break down? Tears. Casually tearing up at a stoplight. Nothing sparked this specifically, just an overwhelming feeling of being overextended. The pressure I was putting on myself overflowed.
So now I’m overwhelmed, overextended and talking through it on the couch. AB is in her wheelhouse. She is dialed in. I’ve been doing well so I haven’t seen this side of her in a bit, this is how I know we’re about to make some progress.
Not that I ever forgot how good she is at her profession, just that when things are good, sessions appear to be easier for both of us.
She mentions how she knew this was coming, and it happened sooner than she thought. Which is a good thing, it means my self-awareness is getting sharper. But after the compliment, she asks a question “what would happen if you slow down, if you didn’t do all the things all the time?” - naturally I dance around it, stating complacency, boredom, not moving forward. Nope, not good enough. Dig deeper. Why do I move so fast and take so much on, what would happen if I didn’t?
It became clear. I’m not scared of the slow down exactly, I’m scared of the shame that may come with it. I work hard and fill my life up to try and be as “successful” as possible in order to try and overshadow the shame I still have about being an addict. I’m STILL trying to hide that from others. Even in recovery, shame can drive a lot of decisions in my life. I stay busy in hopes that people only look at my drive and maybe forget that I’m a recovering alcoholic.
Time to stop running from it. Time to slow down. Time to enjoy life as a slow moving river, instead of a white water rapid.
Shame, I know I have to live with you but I’m going to start doing so on my terms. Your days as a motivator are numbered. They're limited. And I have recovery to thank for the new way of living.
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Update: still working on all the above.
Thanks for being here.
Happy Holidays and we’ll talk to you next year.
- Mathias John
