it’s not your fault.

it’s not your fault…it’s not your fault…it’s not your fault...

Good Will Hunting is my favorite movie. Some of you know this all too well, for others this is new news.

There is a scene towards the end where the therapist Sean (Robin Williams), comforts Will (Matt Damon) about his past…letting him know it’s not his fault. This leads to a beautiful breakthrough and embrace, it’s quite the emotional scene.  I could explain why this is such a beautiful breakthrough, but I would rob you of the experience of watching the movie.  

This scene means more to me now than it ever has.  I’ve always loved it but I never related to it.  Recently, that has changed significantly.

For the past 2.5 years in sobriety, I’ve had to own the fact I put alcohol ahead of most things in my life for a long time. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been done by many before me and they’ve helped me along the way. I’m extremely grateful for a program that bonds people over shared experiences.

By working with others who have struggled through it, I’ve been able to stay pretty level.

Until recently. 

There is something upcoming in my life that I take responsibility for, which is unreasonably unfair to me. I know it's unfair, others remind me its unreasonable, but I continue to blame myself anyway.  In my mind, since I gave years of my life to the bottle, I’m responsible for certain upcoming life events.

And it’s absolutely wrecks me. Emotionally, this the hardest weight of sobriety to date…by a long shot.  My past addiction is causing a current struggle and future pain for someone I love.

As open as I’ve been with my story, I’m keeping the details of this scenario closed for now.  The point here is that one of the hardest parts of recovery is wrestling with what you may have missed out on during the days of active addiction. Or what others may go through now because of your past addiction.

Some days are easier than others but if you aren’t careful it becomes a slippery slope of real negative self-talk.  If you’ve read through the book, you know my brand of negative self-talk ain’t pretty.

How do I get myself out of this hurt and pain?  Try to look at what is absolute truth and remind myself that this is not my fault. It’s a circumstance that I cannot control. Yes, this scenario may be a result of years past, however I don’t know that for sure. I don’t have a time machine to play that out. 

I wrote in my journal last week “its not your fault…its not your fault…its not your fault…its not your fault” - sounds crazy but this helped greatly. I needed to remind myself of it. I needed myself to be my own Sean to my Will.  How bout them apples?

If you are shouldering some unnecessary pain/responsibility, please take a step back and evaluate it truthfully.  It may not be your fault. 

Thank you for being here.

Talk to you soon.

- Mathias John